Hip horoscopes for high school humans

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Horoscopes 8/29 – 9/4

By: Jacob Beaird

Freshmen: A new friend will manifest in a form most unfamiliar to you. You must be on the lookout, or you might miss him/her. Good luck will find you if you are vigilant in your deeds. If you are not, punishment will find its way to you in the form of a small mammal.

Sophomores: Your father will be very lenient with your actions this weekend, so long as you draw him a pretty picture. Follow your feelings, especially if they are feelings of love; but do not expect to succeed if your name begins with a consonant or a vowel.
Juniors: This upcoming week will be full of surprises and new experiences. Try as many new things as possible, or else someone close to you will make you cry on Thursday. Fret not over the little things, but make sure to watch out for little children. One of them is out to get you.
Seniors: Be wary of yellow objects, for they will bring you much bad fortune. As long as you do a good deed each day this week, a new love will soon find its way into your life. Keep petunias on your windowsill for good luck, and a potato in your pocket to ward off evil spirits.

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