Hip horoscopes for high school humans, edition #3

Horoscopes 9/12 – 9/18

 

Freshmen: Worry not about the past, but keep your eyes on the future. Not much change is coming for you in the future, so grow comfortable and content with your current situation in life. If you wish to stay happy, avoid being sad. Sadness will surely find you if you eat any kind of citrus.

 

Sophomores: If you know anyone named Greg, give him a hug; for it will bring you good fortune. Remember that the devil is in the details. If you do not, it will surely come back to haunt you. Watch out for hamsters and other small rodents – you are severely hated in their community.

 

Juniors: Do something nice for your mother, and she will reward you with a piece of candy. Be vigilant against the many turmoils that will plague you in the upcoming week. So long as you keep your wits about you, you will triumph over them. Doing so will grant you favor with the gods, as well as with your disapproving Aunt Debra.

 

Seniors: Seek guidance from within during this week. You are the most trustworthy person you know. But be sure to stay kind to others, for they will one day repay you. Much good luck is in store for you this weekend if you do a good deed each day. If you do any bad deeds, Santa will punish you severely in your future. Santa never forgets.
Teachers: Whittle something nice for your craziest student, and he or she will pay attention in class from now on. You deserve to treat yourself this weekend. Refrain from straining yourself, and you will discover peace of mind. Otherwise, you will have nightmares of evil dancing iguanas.

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