Hip horoscopes for high school humans 9/26 – 10/2

Freshmen: Good fortune will surely come your way as long as you work hard in school. Devote some of your time this week to learning something new and interesting, and it will one day pay off. Although, if you do only meaningless things with your time, the ghost of Gene Wilder will curse all your candy.

Sophomores: Beware people of small stature. Their vile schemes hold nothing but bad intentions. You will meet someone very important this week, so make a good impression on everyone you see. Don’t be shy — show off who you truly are. If you wish to grow intelligent, use a cantaloupe as a pillow this week. It will fill your head with priceless knowledge.

Juniors: Your spirit animal this week is the weasel. Do your best to embody its superior grace and poise. But watch out for your omen of bad luck — babies. Their presence will put an evil hex on your household unless you sufficiently appease them with gifts. Spend some time with your grandpa Skip this week. He will greatly appreciate it.

Seniors: Think bigger than life this week. Shoot for the moon and follow your dreams… But if you fail at these endeavors, you will be publicly shamed and will never fully recover from the traumatic experience. Wear a shiny belt for good luck — it will hold up your metaphysical pants of success and confidence this week.

Teachers: Do your best to look past the faults of others — you may like what you find. The gods highly recommend that the majority of your grades become participation grades. If you appease them, the gods will smile favorably upon you. Keep watch over your favorite pet this week… Tragedy is certain to befall him or her.

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